Thanks, Btch

Finding Power and Gratitude in the Aftermath

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  • Girl’s Girl?

    Full disclosure – I wrote this blog post at least 6 years ago! Since then the term “Girl’s Girl” has become even more commonplace… but it is still being used as a weapon. So here is the post:

    I’m not taking much of a leap here by assuming, as women, we’ve all had to deal with some sort of friend drama. Well, years ago, in the middle of unwelcomed frama (hey look, I made a new word!), the rumor mill brought me this morsel of information:

    “She says you’re not a girl’s girl.”

    Ummmm, what?

    Knowing this comment came from the mouth of the friend at the center of the frama, I immediately took it as the insult it was meant to be. I knew it was used to paint me as “lesser than” or “not one of us.” But this particular insult really rubbed me the wrong way, and I needed to figure out why.

    So, I spent weeks, months, and probably years trying to defend myself… to myself! After way too much mental litigation, I came up with a closing argument:

    “If being catty, judgmental, and having blind gender loyalty is being a girl’s girl, then I am happy I’m not part of that club.”

    Fast Forward to Present Day-ish

    This statement popped into my life again. This time, as a more enlightened individual, I decided I needed to do some research on exactly what it means to be a “girl’s girl.”

    The first article I came across was from a sorority blog/newsletter titled “13 Signs You Are a Girl’s Girl.” The first paragraph sounded promising, stating:

    “Some women are innately catty when it comes to fellow females.”

    Yes, sister! I’m with ya!

    But then after reading more, I realized what they were really saying: unless you are a girl’s girl, you fall into the catty bucket.

    Oh hell no.

    And Then Came Sign #4…

    “You don’t get those girls that are girly but only friends with guys and you secretly think there is something wrong with them. That being said, you still make small talk with them when your paths cross.”

    Umm… hello, catty!

    So, these self-proclaimed “girl’s girls” can’t fathom how another female can have guys as friends, so there must be something wrong with them. And then the cherry on top: Be fake when you run into them.  Ok, now I’m fully irritated; this statement has clearly hit a nerve.

    My Mental Defense Was Back in Action

    Exhibit A – I have three siblings, all brothers, therefore I am as comfortable having guys as friends as I am having girlfriends. What I’m not comfortable with: blindly supporting anyone solely based on their gender.

    Exhibit B – I have never learned how to French braid or use a curling iron… and makeup isn’t my strong suit. Irrelevant facts when it comes to friendship, yet somehow held against me in the “Girl’s Girl Club”?

    Exhibit C – I have had the same best friend since 6th grade — proof that I am a gold-star member of the friendship club, yet those credits are non-transferable to the “Girl’s Girl Club” simply because I also have guy friends?

    Your honor, I rest my case. These kinds of statements are harmful and mean-spirited. They breed cattiness and division among women. Not a good look for us.

    Deep Breath. Let’s Take a Different Approach.

    Since I never asked this friend what she meant by “she’s not a girl’s girl,” I let my brain run wild. I was mentally lawyered up in mere seconds and ready for court.

    So, what tools or advice could I have used in that moment to spare my poor brain all that litigation?

    I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me:

    1. You are not a mind reader. If there are any questions about how something was communicated or the intent behind it, you have two options: 1) ask or 2) let it go.
    2. The following are NOT options:
      • Assigning your own interpretation as truth
      • Playing the scenario over and over in your mind
      • Keeping it alive by talking to anyone and everyone who will listen — including yourself
    3. You must get into the practice of asking for clarity about statements made to you or communicated through the grapevine. The only way to build this habit is to practice. Yes, this is awkward, but boyyy does it save time and brain space.
    4. Get comfortable with who YOU are and stop caring so much about what others think.
      • Getting real with who you are starts by figuring out your values and then honoring them on the regular.

    What Did This Experience Teach Me?

    • Don’t listen to anyone else’s opinion of you, it’s none of your business
    • Having guy friends doesn’t mean anything except that you are open to all friendships
    • Boundaries are important in all relationships, including friendships
    • When someone says, “she’s not a girl’s girl,” ask them to explain why that is a negative trait for a friend

    In conclusion:

    I happily withdraw any previous applications to the “Girl’s Girl Club.”

    I am now the current President of the Any Girl Club, where all are invited and accepted. We are loyal to all of our friends, loving them but keeping them accountable to all of their behaviors.

    No need to apply — you’re in.

  • Thanks, B💄tch – It’s Time

    This is Thanks, Btch. Seven years in the making and finally ready to make a debut.

    Ohhhhh who am I kidding, I don’t think I’ll ever feel like it’s “ready “, but it’s time.

    Thanks, Btch was actually created pretty quickly: a feeling, an idea, a name, a silly little logo that makes me smile….. and the stories. The lingering last step? Unleashing it to the public.

    So what on earth has taken seven years if all of this came together so fast?

    • The invisible walls I’ve built, making it harder and harder to climb out
    • The gremlins and demons perched on my shoulder, snickering and commenting
    • The Judgement Dragons breathing down my neck, buzzing around my head, making me second guess everything (credit to my friend Mare for that name!)
    • The countless “other things” that always seemed more urgent than this project – because reorganizing my sock drawer is obviously urgent 🙄

    Sound familiar? No matter how much positive reinforcement you receive from family, friends, colleagues and even strangers, you still find excuses not to do “it”. Well, here’s the thing….. IT IS TIME! Get out there and do it! And guess what, I’ll do the same.

    Why is the “i” missing in Btch?

    I have a complicated relationship with the word bitch. Ok, admittedly if I’m screaming at my tv due to some reality tv star’s awful behavior it slips out (hello Real Housewives!). But I have a real reaction to the casual use of it and even the playful use… it startles me and just feels wrong.

    So why name my blog, my upcoming podcast and book Thanks, Btch? Because I’m working through my discomfort. And because it’s the only word that perfectly sums up certain moments in my life.

    There was a moment in my not too distant past, when one woman’s harsh behavior towards me pushed me to my breaking point. I walked away from the situation completely which in turn guided me to my current path as a Coach and Consultant. She is literally the bitch in Thanks, Btch.

    The “i” is gone in my logo for a reason. In it’s place? A smirking flower. It soften the blow, makes it mine, and gives it the tongue in cheek tone that it is meant to have.

    Thanks, Btch is a collection of thoughts, interpretations, experiences and processes. I’ve wasted too much time blindly navigating rough waters in my career and my relationships. I wish I had some guidance along the way.

    As a coach, my goal is to give other women the tools to move through difficult situations quickly and as painlessly as possible. To find. some gratitude in the aftermath. Sometimes you can find gratitude and still be a little prickly. Hence, Thanks, Btch.